Does anyone on here have any experience with taking Effexor? And if so, what was it like - side effects etc?

I have been thinking quite a lot about the way my life has and is continuing to change over the past decade.I cannot believe that in less than one month I turn 30. The age itself doesn't bother me - even though I don't really feel old enough on the inside, to be that age on the outside. It is more the expectations that I had as I approached my 20th birthday for the forthcoming decade. So much achieved and so much, so very much undone as the last month of my twenties begins.

I suppose much of my ideas came from nothing more that what society seemed to expect of people in their twenties. This is the age category in which we are suppose to graduate, begin on the path towards and endeavour to forge a successful and lifetime career, to play the field somewhat sexually and romantically, to date, to meet someone to settle with and towards the end of this era to start settling down, marriage, a family, a home, to relinquish the mysteries of a new youth and expand and develop, to come into our own as we approach this new and very different era of life.

I think of all the goals as yet unachieved - some even untouched. I have not played the romantic or sexual field in anywhere near as much depth as I would have liked to and even now as I feel more receptive to and comfortable with this part of my life than ever before, I seem unable to find any footing in this area. In my twenties I have had 2 significant relationships, 1 long-term but not especially significant relationship and been on dates lasting between 1 and 5 dates with perhaps 20 people. My career is still floundering and struggling to settle. I have no relationship, no hope for marriage or a family. I feel that I have not grown significantly at all in this part of my life in the past decade. I have passed up the opportunity to be with at least 2 men who I think may have led to long term if not successful and lifetime relationshiops in other circumstances. I am such a willing student in this are - so keen to learn and explore my own body and sexuality and emotionality. It causes me great distress now to realise that there is no one in my life who could teach me, who would wish to do so. In this decade I have met a few people who would have done this and who would have changed me forever for the better - teaching me and guiding me - allowing me to explore a whole new part of myself. How I wish I was close to these people now. Let alone the distance they live from me - these are people I don't even speak with any more.

I also feel very much like a 'nothing' person. By this I mean that I feel like I am the kind of person people can take or leave. If I am around people will talk with me, spend time with me perhaps even like me. But they don't actively seek me out. I'm not someone who, when a person is thinking of who to see or of arranging a get together they think, 'Oh, Leanne has to come and do this with me/us' or 'Oh I'd love to go and see Leanne today'. I don't touch people's lives in any significant way. I don't make a difference. I am not desired or sought after. I'm OK. But that's about it. And sometimes I actually feel like people tolerate rather than actively like me - that in passing they can be surface with me but, nothing deeper at all. I feel so frustrated with this. I used to be sure that I had a cracking personality - well worth being around, getting to know and seeking out for company, high jinks and general fun. Now, I really don't know and the worst part is, I don't know whether this is something I can change.

I also feel as though I don't understand myself that well. I have tried to self discover so many times and in so many ways but nothing seem to tap into myself. I hate feeling like a stranger inside my own body. I hate it. How does a person even start to self discover? How do we find ourselves? It seems so utterly impossible.

Things I have achieved? I live alone after buying my first home. My career has potential to become solid and perhaps even bring success to me personally and professionally. I still have the majority of my friends from this period of time with some very sad, notable exceptions. My friends for the most part have changed but happily evolved into something much stronger during this time. There are people who I have met in this decade who I wish I had gotten to know much better and hope still to do so. I have some great resilience in this decade. I have fallen many, many times and risen back again to become slightly more than I was before I fell.

But generally, I feel discontent and unhappy with where I am in my life right now. I would welcome any suggestions at all as to how I can make this next and final month of this era of my life count. How should I use this time? I don't have to work. I am off for the summer. I need guidance, direction and advice so please, if anyone has anything to offer - no matter what it is, I am willing to give it a go.

I am feeling somewhat calmer but no less upset now than I was at the beginning of the week. I have taken myself out with friends, kept myself busy and generaly tried to keep moving forward - after all, that's what we do right? When things block us or hurt us, we have to keep going. So in order to keep going I have also taken up seriously abusing my cross trainer. I did 19 miles on it on Thursday and 16 miles yesterday. I am aiming for 20 miles today and 20 miles tomorrow, then I will have a few days rest as I think my poor body will not be too happy. It's weird though - channelling all the negative thoughts, feelings and energy into that sort of thing is meant to help but, for me anyway, it doesn't make a huge difference. I have also just moved three wardrobes and a huge double bed around my spare bedroom which may not have been the wisest decision as I am a little sore. Then again (and I am aware that this makes me sound rather masochistic) pain is good right? Reminds you that you can still feel and all that crap.

I was thinking about wishes yesterday. We all get at least one good wish per year - over the candles on our birthday cake. Some of us throw in more - on eyelashes, fountains, lucky stars etc. And every now and then one of those wishes come true. So what then? Is it as good as we had hoped? Do we bask in the warm glow of our happiness? Or, do we simply notice that there is still a long list of other wishes just waiting to be wished? And what if what we wish for in a moment is something we get in a moment, but only for a moment? We wish because we need help. And because we're scared. And we know that we may be asking too much but we still wish though. Because sometimes, just sometimes, they come true and survive.

( Read more... )

Well, here is the update on Dominic.

I text him and he text me back saying that he had a great time and was glad I had too because he was worried I wasn't happy about it and that he'd messed up. He said he really liked me and we arranged to meet up today.

Today I go over and...he met someone else this weekend who he really likes more, and had he not met someone he liked more he'd be happy to keep things going with me.

When will I get my happy ending? When will I be good enough?

I'm sorry I haven't been on LJ for awhile. Moving house and the new job is keeping me mucho busy plus I haven't had internet access at home for a few weeks. I am hoping as of tonight, this will be sorted! Hope I didn't miss anything important and that everyone is OK!

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,

Kinda blah if I am totally honest. Lots of contradictions make me stressed. I love the way he declares undying love one moment and barely has time the next. OK so it's pretty clear that nothing will change to the point that it could actually make anything different. We both know he loves me but not *that* much to do anything about it. And as for other people, well, what can I say? My friendships are still in a state of change. I guess I am dealing better with that though. Then there is the weight, off and on and off and on. I need to get a grip really. That's the main crux of the problem is me, not having control over my life. I need that and yet I almost act like I am so sfraid of having it that I won't take it. It's got to change, Somehow. I don't know how. But it's got to. x

Just an update on things.

Last week I went to interview for a new job very close to Manchester City Centre. It's teaching at a Sixth Form College, so no school, no kids, just A Level students and adults. It's a small campus but still big enough to have a good atmosphere. I interviewed with three other people and even though I felt like I had done a good job, I wasn't sure whether I'd got it. Long story short - I got it :) I am really pleased about this as I feel like I am taking a big step forward by doing this. I am so unbelievably unhappy where I am now and knowing that there is now light at the end of the tunnel is such a happy thing. I start on January 5th and will be working in a department of people rather than on my own, which I am also happy about. I finally feel like I am moving forward in some small way and it makes a big difference.

I am generally looking forward to 2009 as I have a think about the number 29 and the number 9 especially. So far, a new job seems to be a great start.

I started back at weight watchers after messing up and gaining a total about about 7lbs in the past 4 months. 7lbs might not seem much but to me it was a big deal. Last week I managed to lose 4.5lbs which I was pleased about. This week I don't think I will have done well. If I am lucky I will stay the same but I've had chinese food and snacked and eaten the wrong stuff so I may even gain again. My next weigh-in is Saturday so we'll see. I am still aiming for a total of 42lbs by the New Year, so given that my current total is 27lbs, that means I have to lose another 15lbs over a period of 5 weeks. It's going to be tough but I am really going to push for it.

Last night I went to a neurosupport meeting with my parents. They run sessions to support people who have had an SAH (Sub Arachnoid Haemorrhage) and their families. I went to this one as it was being run by the consultant who specialises in them. It was really good and I understand it all completely now. However, I got a massive shock because he explained that in the general population there is a 1 in 1000 chance of having an aneurysm and a 1 in 10,000 chance of having an SAH. However, for those people who have two first-degree relatives who have had an SAH (i.e. me) the risk is 1 in 15. I had no idea it was such a high risk. I've had an MRI already which showed clear, but he explained that an aneurysm can develop at any time so a clear MRI doesn't mean I am going to be OK. I can keep getting checked at regular periods, or just live my life and hope for the best. It was a bit of a shock to be honest as I hadn't realized how high the odds were for me.

Other than that there is very little going on. I am spending most of my time with Catherine, Kevin and Rich. I see Kas as often as possible and I see Nic and Nicky less than ever. I also spend time with Nicola and Graeme which is good. As the holiday season approaches I am facing another year of being single and to be honest I am fed up. I joined match.com and a few dating sites to meet people but despite there being over 4.6 million members, apparently there isn't anyone for me. I really am starting to feel like perhaps I will always be on my own. All I want is to meet a nice guy, get married, have a baby and enjoy a family life. I know it's very traditional and old fashioned but that's just the way I am. I feel it moreso now as so many people I know have had or are having babies and are getting together, getting engaged and married etc. I'm a nice person and I keep wondering when it's my turn.

Ah well, better get back to work!

Well folks, the life of me doesn't really suck any less, but my perspective on all the sucking has improved to the point where I now feel (and I have no idea how long this will last so I should make the most of it really) that whatever will happen will happen and it will happen for the best.

I am divulging no more information than this on the subject/s involved. Needless to say that I am feeling rather positive (and rather more positive than I probably should) but I intend, as long as possible to remain this way.

First weigh-in after going back to ww tomorrow, I am hoping for a 1lb loss this week. I'd usually hope for a bit more but I had a few slip ups on the 'road to recovery', plus a Burger King on Friday what with being in Blackpool with very little other options.

Only 34 more get-ups til the Christmas holidays!

I thought an update was in order, though there isn't anything good to post unfortunately!

I am on half-term this week which is nice, but I'm feeling a bit stressed because I have spent the week house-hunting. This is because the sale of the house I was buying fell through. The housing company have decided to sell off the development to the housing association and the area has a number of social issues and to be honest, I didn't want to take the risk of not being able to sell the place or being surrounded by trouble when I am living there alone. I;ve seen a number of houses so far this week, but only 1 that I liked. I've put in an offer but the owners have emigrated to Australia for now so it's taking some time for them to come back to me on it. Fingers crossed. I am seeing 6 places today, 4 tomorrow and 1 on Sunday. After that I think I am just going to give up because I am so tired of looking at places and them being awful. I think I've seen around 55 houses so far.

My love life is still non-existent. I went on a few dates with a guy called Max, who was lovely but I just wasn't attracted to him. It's a shame because he really liked me and I felt bad, but there was no chemistry there between us. There is no-one else in the picture.

All around me people are having babies, getting married, living in their own homes, moving forward in their lives. I feel completely stuck to be honest. I feel like I actually wish I could disappear from this World and just give up this life because I feel like everything I go near disintegrates and turns rotten. I know I am very down at the moment, but more than that, I feel utterly useless, like I am good at nothing, useful for nothing, a waste of human existence really.

Things with the house are coming on OK. The survey has been done and I've been in to choose my kitchen and bathroom stuffs. The mortgage papers came yesterday so I've signed them all and should hopefully have my mortgage agreement in the next 2 weeks. Signing and exchange of contracts is due to be the 27th, so I am hoping that for once in my life, everything comes together for me.

Other than the house, everything else seems to be a bit crap actually. I'm unhappy at work and feel overwhelmed ll the time. I realise now that I cannot cope with two A Level subjects by myself and with the specs changing, I simply can't manage everything. I cannot believe I have one week left before half-term and I feel like I am literally sinking under the waves. I have to get myself organised otherwise this is not going to end well. Next week we have a 'staffing issues' meeting, which scares the Hell out of me because I know it's about them getting rid of staff.

I have no love life so that's nice and simple! Mark, the guy I split up with in July has posted some nasty stuff on Facebook which upset me quite a bit but just shows that actually, he's not quite so nice as I thought he was.

Ah well. Hope everyone else is fine.

I am very excited to report that I have just bought my first house! I went to see it on Saturday, loved it and have reserved it (it's a new build so you pay a reservation fee and then exchange contracts within 28 days). I've sorted out my mortgage and solicitors and just have to wait for the paperwork to arrive to be signed and returned along with the bits and bobs of information required and the exchange will take place on October 27th! Because it's a brand new house, I will then choose my interior specifications such as kitchens and bathrooms etc and they will complete the inside as I like. I should be moving in in the first few weeks of December. The house is a four bedroom, three storey townhouse in Leigh, about 5 miles from where my parents live. I love it! I am so excited (as well as scared to death about having such a financial commitment!). I feel like a proper grown-up!

I am now heading towards the end of the week and I am so looking forward to 3pm tomorrow! This first week back at school has been tiring and busy and a little stressful as the timetables and groups are up the wall. I'm not yet sure of my exact timetable though I do know there will be some changes yet to come and I haven't decided how I feel about them all yet. I'm so glad I bought a suit as I had to go in to see the Headteacher today and she commented on how smart I looked which was good to hear (since usually I'm in trouble!).

Chris finally bothered to email me back and say that he'd like to be friends if 'I'm OK with that'. Er, yeah I am which is why I suggested it. It's almost like he must think I am so crazy about him that being friends might be hard work. Yeah I was upset he didn't want to carry on going on dates but I'm not that bothered now. At the end of the day I hardly know him and if he was who I was meant to be with, I'd be with him. My person is coming I'm sure. He's probably just lost!

The diet isn't going too well this week. I missed the weigh-in on Tuesday as I didn't feel too great and didn't have the energy to walk over to the meeting. I think I may have stayed the same though rather than lost, and so far this week I've been eating the wrong stuff and not being very active as I'm just too tired. Tonight I am going to force myself to go out for a long walk and have a healthy dinner. I don't think the weather is helping much though as it's so wet and cold and miserable outside.

I've set the weekend aside from relaxation and doing work for school for next week. Not very glamorous but very necessary sadly.

That's about it for today!

Well folks, I turned 29 on Wednesday and I have to say it was a bittersweet moment for me. I am not where I thought or hoped I would be in my life at age 29 and this makes me really said. I've always looked forward to being 29 (it's a weird numbers thing - I like the number 9 but also some variations of it and 29 is one of my favourites, yes, I am odd I know) as I have always felt like this was going to be 'me' year - the year that things really change for me. It's not started off too well.

I was seeing someone, not in a relationship but just dating him and we'd been on 4 amazing dates. I was starting to like this guy and see a possible relationship coming out of it and then out of the blue he calls me, the day before my birthday and basically says that he isn't feeling and connection beyond friendship and he's sorry but he doesn't want to see me again. I felt upset but I also felt really stupid because I'd thought that this guy liked me, was attracted to me and that we had a really great time. Turns out, all the time he's been thinking about how he doesn't feel anything with me! Colour me confused - especially as every signal he gave me was the total opposite. Anyway, yeah, that's the day before my birthday.

On my birthday itself I took a long hard look at my life and you know what, I just didn't like what I saw there. I didn;t feel good about what I saw there. Don't get me wrong, I have some fantastic things in my life and I'm lucky to have those things but, on the whole it pretty much sucks. So I made a decision. I'm going to change it and this time I really, really am. And this is where this entry comes in.

I'm going to be starting a new chapter in this LJ. I was going to start a new one but I didn't see the point really. Divenire means 'to become' and so it seems appropriate to keep it. Instead I am going to approach my LJ very differently. I'm going to update at least every few days. I'm going to write more about the things I am doing, how I am feeling. I'm going to use this as a real journal filled with everything in my life. But it's better than a journal because I have my lovely friends who will comment and support and offer opinions (good and bad) and advice. I know that not everyone on my friends list is a friend anymore and that's something I need to deal with myself, but I have some great friends here and I hope to have even more in the months to come. I'm going to change how this journal looks (assuming I can figure out how!) and use this as a fresh start for this, my 29th year.

This journal is a journey for me now - the 29-30 era. It's about me taking control over my life and doing everything I can to make it a life I love. By the time I turn 30, a year from now, I want to be able to sit and read back over the journey I have taken and remember every moment of it. Much of this will focus on the four main areas of my life that I want most to change - me weight (which I already started on as you know), owning my own home (which I am hoping to do soon), my career (which I am not happy in and need to sort out) and finally, my relationship (which I don't have and want more than anything).

I really hope you will come along with me on this journey!

Today I learnt a valuable lesson. A lesson that I wish to share with those around me and those far from me.

Are you ready for the lesson?

OK, here it is. Never, ever, ever eat yoghurt and drink pure orange juice at the same time.

Never.

It is not good at all.

Does anyone know how I can add a ticker factory banner to my entries?

I had a wonderful weekend in Wiltshire with Mark this weekend. I don't have much time to post this morning, so I will try and be quick while still writing about it all.

I left straight from school on Friday and aside from some traffic due to an accident on the M6 the path was pretty clear. It took me about 4 and a half hours to get there and once I came off the M4 onto the roads to Trowbridge, I took a wrong turn (it was his fault because of his directions!) and ended up driving up lots of long, pitch black country roads. It was tad scary I have to admit. Eventually I saw a garage and stopped to ask for help. After that it was easy :)

I got to Mark's place and he helped me carry my bags in. Once inside he took me into the lounge/dining room and it was covered in candles, the table was set for a romantic dinner with little red heart confetti and everything, he'd decorated for Christmas with a tree AND a red stocking with snowflakes on it which turned out to be for me! He made me a cup of tea and we chatted then we had dinner. He'd made a gorgeous Roast Chicken dinner and we had lovely wine. After dinner we sat and chatted. I opened my little presents in my stocking (we are doing proper presents when we next see each other) and then he went to run a bath for me. He'd even got bath bombs! He wouldn't let me into the bathroom until he was finished and when he did, there were candles lit and everything. It was so lovely. I had a bath and then afterwards we sat and chatted, drank wine, watched TV and enjoyed spending time with each other.

On Saturday, we were both still not feeling well (I've got horrible cold and so has he) so we stayed in bed til quite late and then he got up and made me breakfast in bed! We eventually got up and took a walk by the canal though we had to abandon that as the wind, rain and flooding made it quite difficult. We got back to his and were soaking so had to get changed. Then we drank tea and spent the afternoon cuddling up on the sofa getting to know each other much better and enjoying being together. Once it went adark we headed into Bath to see the Christmas Markets and see the City all lit up at night and it was gorgeous. We had mulled wine and walked along the river, saw the Abbey all lit up, heard christmas music being played and wandered through the busy streets. It was lovely. When we got back to his, we ordered Chinese food, opened wine and I made him watch the X Factor (Go Rhydian!!) - hehe.

On Sunday we stayed in bed late again and then went to see the school where he works. Then we went to meet his friends Helen and Steve who were lovely, at a little pub . After that I headed back home. It only took 3 and a half hours to get home and the drive doesn't feel that long at all. I called Mark to let him know I was back and we chatted for a bit and then I went to bed as I was tired!

I still have a bad cold and am feeling a bit sorry for myself :( Last night was prizegiving at school and so I didn't get home til gone 10pm. I am writing this with a cup of tea before getting dressed and heading out to work. I am not feeling very well at all though.

That aside, my weekend was wonderful. I felt to utterly spoiled and taken care of. I am so happy to have met someone as sensitive and special as Mark. He treats me better than I have ever been treated before. He pays attention to me and always makes sure I am OK. And it's little things like, he opens my car door for me, holds open doors, and just does all the little things which show he is thoughtful and so well mannered. We will see each other again on the 29th when he is coming here for my Cousins wedding and he's staying for a few days.

Other than feeling like a death zombie, I am a very happy Leanne at the moment!

"October's poplars are flaming torches lighting the way to winter." ~Nova Bair

"Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all." ~Stanley Horowitz

"Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn." ~Elizabeth Lawrence

“Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower” Albert Camus

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." ~George Eliot

What kind of guy do I want in my life....

♥A guy who can be a lover and a friend.

♥A guy who opens doors for you in restaurants, malls, or even the car's door.

♥A guy who'll let you wear his jacket even if he's freezing.

♥A guy who never forgets to tell you that you're pretty (even if you know you're not really pretty, but at least for him you are pretty).

♥A guy who notices everything in you, from your scent to your hair and newly buffed nails.

♥A guy who'll pick you up after school or work even if he is miles away and drive you home just to make sure you'll safely get home.

♥A guy who is fastidious, just like us girls. He fusses about his clothes, what scent to wear, and just how he'll look when you're going out together, so you'll know he wants to look good for you.

♥A guy who'll text you first.

♥A guy who always texts back.

♥A guy who'll call you often.

♥A guy who calls after hanging up just to say he misses you already and he just can't help but to call you again.

♥A guy who'll love you more.

♥A guy who'll respect and love your family even if they're mean to your guy. Well, not really mean, they're just trying to decode your guy.

♥A guy who'll treat you right and respect you as well.

♥A guy who is sensitive enough to feel you're hurt.

♥A guy who knows what can make you cry but will never let those tears fall from your eyes.

♥A guy who knows what's best for you and gives you what you deserve.